TW: Self harm, Sexual Abuse, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety

Forgive me, Janelle
for all the moments you wanted to speak up
but I demanded you stay silent.
I told you to not be that girl,
and it’s just a joke,
and why are you always so offended,
you’re too damn sensitive,
and maybe they didn’t even mean it,
and maybe they did
but shut up, shut up, shut up.
I drove you past the scene of a crime
and as you reached for your phone
I assured you someone else
would make the call.
Forgive me, Janelle
for every single time
I sliced through your skin
like tape on a package
looking for relief inside.
I only found another thing
for you to cry about.
I donated your blood
but you’re the one who needed help.
I see that now.
I thought I was taking care of you
when I traced over your scars
as if refusing to mark any new territory
would stop you from noticing
how your scars never really did get old.
Forgive me, Janelle
for telling you to be with him
if only to make it so your father
wasn’t the only man
to have every touched you.
As if that boy’s hands could have rinsed you clean.
I didn’t know the nightmares would come back.
I didn’t know you would come out of this
with regret and not redemption.
I didn’t know you would never again ask to be held.
I didn’t know enough about PTSD or really,
I didn’t care enough to notice all the warning signs;
your body clothed in caution tape,
your mind scrambling to lock the door.
Forgive me, Janelle
For telling you bi-polar just meant crazy.
For all the years I told you
that you were both too much
and never enough.
For pushing away the people
who just wanted to take care of you.
For telling you to lie to your doctors
and your mother and your friends.
For teaching you to hold a grudge against God.
For convincing you your fears were stronger
than you’d ever be.
For lying when I said taking medication
was a sign of weakness.
For making you ashamed of yourself.
For making you believe
depression was an inescapable death sentence.
For all the times I said the pain was not worth it.
For telling you hope was foolish.
For acting like you didn’t deserve better.
For not apologizing sooner.