I want to be steadfast in my belief
that God can always hear me,
that He knows my voice well,
that He always wants what's best for me,
that His plans are always to prosper and never to harm,
that His timing is better than my own,
but I have doubts.
I am Thomas.
I am Jonah looking for a place to hide.
I am Peter and there is crowing in the distance.
I am Lot's wife and I can't help looking back.
I want more faith than fear.
That’s been so hard lately,
and by lately, I mean the past 16 years.
I am still learning. I continue to grow. I am trying to trust
but there is still so much work to be done.
I have to stop forgetting that God never takes time off.
He never takes leave from me.
I need to remember He is listening when I'm on my knees
screaming at the heavens that, "This just isn't fair!"
and when I'm whispering, "I can’t do this anymore"
and when I'm thinking He can't hear me,
when I feel alone in this.
He is listening when pain has left me speechless.
I am at a loss for words but He can hear a feeling;
the feeling in my gut that I was too ashamed
to admit out loud.
It sounds like, “God, I am scared to be more like Your son.
I am scared that it will hurt too much.
I am scared that I hurt too much.
I am scared that I'm too fragile for this,
that I'm not strong enough for You.
I am scared You ask too much of me.”
I plead, “Please stop asking so much of me.”
You answer my cries and my whispers and my fears.
You say, “I am, I am, I am, I am here.
I am listening.
I never grow tired of teaching you
the lessons that you are so tired of learning.
Let me take this weight from you
before you can collapse.
If you're not ready,
I will wait. I will pick you up from the floor.
I will raise you up onto your feet.
I will teach you how to walk again.
I will pull you out of the valley.
The valley is not your home.
I am your home.
You feel sick over this because you miss me,
because you tried to hide from me,
because you tried to do this on your own.
You always try to do it on your own
but I am here.
I am listening.
I am, I am, I am, I am here.”
God, when anger’s got control over my tongue,
You hear me out.
You do not turn away from me.
When pride holds me back from You,
You wait for me with open arms.
I want to be devoted. I want to be Ruth.
I want to be unrecognizable like Paul
after he changed his name.
I want to trust You enough to be so vulnerable
that I would use my tears to wash Your son's feet.
I want to be Job. I want to be Job so badly.
When everything is taken from me
I want You to be enough.
I want more faith than fear.
I want to be steadfast in my belief
that You have and will always be here.
You prove it every day.
You tell me,
“I love you through the doubts and the fear,
the anger and the pride.
I am, I am, I am, I am still here.”