TW: Abuse

1. Denial looks like my lips being tightly sewn shut. I cannot speak my truth. My heart doesn’t mean to be cruel it’s just trying to protect itself. It takes the thread and pulls it tightly until it hurts so much I forget what I was trying to say. My heart says I’m ready now. It snips the thread keeping my voice locked away, but when asked about my pain I reply, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

2. Anger loves the word hate. It tastes sweet in my mouth but it burns on the way down. It says, “I hate what you’ve done. I hate that I love you. I hate myself for all of this. I hate that we can’t go back. I hate that I have to keep going.”

3. For me, bargaining sounds like, “I’ll let it go, I can let go. I can pretend just please don’t leave. I’ll do anything.”

4. Depression like that scratchy sweater I’ve had for 20 years, ugly and worn out. I slide into it easily though it’s rough with my skin. I do not feel good in it but what I once knew as discomfort feels normal now.

5. Acceptance meets me quietly. It does not storm the castle. It does not burn my pain to the ground. It meets me right where I’m at. It does not make a show of it. It is what it is. Some would rather call it peace. It settles over me gently reminding me that I’m okay and when I am not I will be again soon.

I am 12, I am 19, I am 23,
Passing through each stage
Just to start over again.
I start over.
It’s okay to start over.
I write myself a letter for the next time.
It reads, “You have to face the pain eventually.
It’s okay to give it time.
It’s okay to wait,
but as soon as you are ready
you have to face the truth.
Yes, it will hurt but I promise
it’s a battle worth surviving.
It’s okay to hate for a little while
just make sure it’s not for too long.
It will hurt you more than they did.
Don’t waste your heart on hate.
It’s okay to love someone anyway,
but don’t love yourself less.
‘No matter what’ is not always the right thing for you.
It’s not right to love someone so much more than yourself
that you would let them hurting you become a habit.
It’s okay to be sad,
the kind of sadness that gets inside your bones.
I promise it won’t break you.
You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
You have to keep going.
There is so much more life in you.
It’s okay to grieve.
It’s okay to start the process over.
It’s okay if the order switches up on you.
It’s okay to stay in one stage longer than another.
It’s okay to stay for a little while.
It’s okay if that little while takes longer than expected.
It’s okay if it takes a few days
or much, much longer.
Don’t rush yourself.
Stop rushing yourself.
It’s okay to mourn for every type of loss,
for people, for friendships, for love, for jobs,
for health, for faith, for dreams,
and the way you used to be.
It’s okay to grieve for any type of change.
It’s okay to grieve for yourself.
You may start over,
but it’s okay to start over.
It’s okay. You’re okay.
And when you’re not
you will be again soon.”